Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”