When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
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My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Dune (2021)
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly