instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
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My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.