Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine