watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
This is my brand.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL