No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
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A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week