The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
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Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
But that’s none of my business
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.