Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
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Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
More like Kate Missington.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA