Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?