China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My dad.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials