What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
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My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.