just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
You Might Also Like
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
This one’s “Alex”.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
S M O L
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Breaking news:
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs