If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
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No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Birds & Planes.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.