Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
As the Lord intended
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”