Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.