When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
You Might Also Like
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
won’t smith
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.