me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.