Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero