Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
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My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.