Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
@funTweeters
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls