Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜