Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
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Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
So glad we cleared that up
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris