[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.