Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos