If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager