Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’