Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
🍞🦆
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?