“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I hate when that happens.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.