My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
You Might Also Like
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
God has abandoned us.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Well, this explains it:
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.