Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.