[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
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I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
This is what makes twitter great