ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day