I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.