vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
You Might Also Like
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
HERE’S MARKY
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Oh hi lol
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.