Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*