[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Generation gap…
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?