my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I was just discussing this with my cat
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?