Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
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“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
the icebreaker
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
6: are snakes just neck?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
More like Kate Missington.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian