“A little help here, Danny?”
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Left at a local drug store…
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime