i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
What a chick magnet..
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent