Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
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mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.