this country is so goddamn polarized
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There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.