Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
oh good, now I can stop drinking
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
I think we should hear other voices.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable