HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Home is where your toilet is.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this