Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no