Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE