I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
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I hope they boil the right one.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.