interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My first son he is wonderful
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My background check bounced.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no