I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
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They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Do furries go to doctors or vets?