Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.